Future Headline: COP33 Climate Conference Urges Americans to Stop Eating

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by Simon Black

In a world full of unimaginable absurdity, we spend a lot of time thinking about the future… and to where all of this insanity leads.

“Future Headline Friday” is our satirical take of where the world is going if it remains on its current path. While our satire may be humorous and exaggerated, rest assured that everything we write is based on actual events, news stories, personalities, and pending legislation.

December 1, 2028: COP33 Climate Conference Urges Americans to Stop Eating

As world leaders gather for the 33rd COP Climate Summit, the theme of this year’s event is “Just Stop Eating”.

The United Nations, which hosts the conference, said that with extremely high oil and coal prices significantly reducing demand for fossil fuels, it is time to turn the focus on reducing the climate change affects of agriculture.

“Farming, especially the production of meat animals, is contributing to the warming of the globe at an unprecedented rate,” said Secretary-General of the United Nations Justin Trudeau as he opened the conference.

“And to tackle the root cause, we have to tackle demand— that is, people eating food.”

He said that as the fattest nation, the United States is the main problem when it comes to agricultural emissions.

“For the United States, this is not just an issue of climate change,” Trudeau continued, “This is a matter of public health. And as we learned from successfully combating Covid-19 with lockdowns and other restrictions, public health issues need the heavy hand of government to be solved.”

Since the 2023 COP28 agreement, the US has annually sent hundreds of billions of dollars in reparations payments to developing nations, compensating for its industrialization-driven greenhouse gas emissions that have disproportionately impacted these countries with natural disasters.

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But experts say this is not enough.

Therefore, much of the COP33 agenda this year is focused on how to make Americans stop eating.

Some critics have noted the odd use of language which consistently uses the phrase, “just stop eating,” as opposed to “reduce food intake.”

“Of course, we don’t mean Americans should starve to death,” Trudeau said, glancing suspiciously side to side. “But it’s pretty clear a little climate change diet wouldn’t hurt.”

One breakout session will “explore the use of public health mandates to force Americans to stop eating.”

“Anything based on science can be justified as a public health mandate,” Trudeau said. “The scientific health benefits of fasting and calorie restriction are clear. And therefore these could, and should, be mandated on the American public.”

But mandates are not the only avenue that will be discussed to drastically curb Americans’ calorie intake.

Another session is called, “Appealing to Catholics with Biblical justifications to stop eating meat.”

The discussion will surround how a coordinated media effort might revive the Catholic tradition of fasting from meat on Fridays and during lent.

“If Catholics are willing to walk the walk, they would extend those traditions year round.” Trudeau said. “I think the Pope agrees, and we are working closely with him to add this to the next Papal Bull.”

But just in case traditional religion isn’t enough, COP33 will host spiritual guru Charlotte Tan who promotes the practice of sun gazing to replace meals.

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“When you commune with nature, you realize the abundance around you. Gazing at the setting or rising sun can provide enough nutrients to your body to replace about half of your calories.”

Tan says that her “Nature’s Bounty” walks have also been popular among spiritually in-touch Americans.

“What we do is take a quick walk around a yard or a city block and find all the unused food resources just there for the taking. By eating edible weeds like dandelion or chickweed, people can save money, which gives them more time for meditation and activism.”

“But we don’t stop there,” Charlotte Tan continued, “Crickets, grubs, maggots— these might seem disgusting at first glance. But enlightened people realize these are just parts of nature. They are wholesome, fulfilling, and rich in high calorie lean protein. And best of all, they don’t add to a human’s carbon footprint. In fact, by eating them, we reduce it.”

Tan said that scorpions were especially popular food last year at her tent at Burning Man.

While promoting the replacement of meat like beef and chicken with protein sourced from bugs is nothing new for COP, this does represent a more creative approach.

“In the past, we have focused on data and logic to try to convince people to eat bugs,” Secretary-General Trudeau said before the conference’s first night meal of filet mignon. “This approach tackles the emotional side. Tapping into the spiritual awakening happening around the world is a great way to advance our collective mission.”

“We’re in this together,” he added, chewing his steak.

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